Where to find this idea:
How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks
Meet Dave and Izzy.
Dave likes interacting with people, but when he does, he dominates conversations. He is prone to dismissing alternative viewpoints, and he usually focuses on his own opinions and needs. By doing so, he tends to make others feel smaller or less significant, creating an environment where true connections are hard to form.
In contrast, when Izzy interacts with people, she is an attentive listener who likes to encourage others to share their stories and insights. She puts herself aside to appreciate the richness of another person’s experience. She shines a light on individuals’ strengths and perspectives, making them feel bigger, deeper and respected.
While Dave and Izzy might have some things in common, how they make people feel is not one of them. Dave is a diminisher, Izzy is an illuminator.
Diminishers are often so wrapped up in their own worlds that they barely notice the things others have to offer. They’re quick to put people in boxes and ignore what they don’t want to see. Diminishers judge without really getting where the other person is coming from. Often without realizing it, they end up making others feel less important.
Illuminators, well, they illuminate. They shine the brightness of their care and curiosity on people. They seek to nurture and reveal the qualities of those around them, helping them feel seen, heard and valued. Illuminators enhance the lives of those around them. They pay attention to the nuances of communication, and seek to understand the underlying emotions and thoughts of others. This approach fosters an environment where people feel appreciated, leading to deeper and more meaningful relationships.
The distinction between diminishers and illuminators serves as a powerful reminder of the impact we have on others. Yes, we can all sometimes be a bit of a diminisher and a bit of an illuminator, but we need to try our best to illuminate those around us. We need to be on guard against egotism and the belief that only our opinions and stories matter. Striving to see other people in all their fullness is worth trying.